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�Im having a hard time with everything right now, I really dont know what to do. Im not happy with myself and I dont know what it is but i just cant get past it. Everyone around me is always so happy and laughing and having fun while im sitting and watching just thinking of how jealous or envious i am of them. I know this sounds bad and Im not the kind of person that always has to have a boyfriend, well because Iapos;ve never had one, but for some reason I just want someone to hold me and love me for me. I know it sounds selfish and dont get me wrong my family is awesome and they love me but I just want that different kind of love. I keep trying to tell myself itapos;ll happen when its supposed to but im getting tired of telling myself that and not believing it. I guess Im just a depressed person, I dont know how to fix it either, I hate school, i hate work, im never home and I miss my downtime and the fun I had over the summer. When the friends i had left went away to school everything started to suck. I miss them way too much. I lost my best friend because of a stupid situation that I had nothing to do with but she refused to believe it and i miss her. Iapos;ve been told that im too nice, i dont say no when i should and people have def. Taken advantage of me in the past. It sucks. �I dont know what to do and now im just venting. I dont even know if any of this is making sense. Ughh....i have no self-esteem or self-confidence. Im very depressed and i cant fix it...i dont want to sound selfish cuz i know people have it worse but life sucks monkies. So now im going to watch tv and fall asleep only to get up for another crappy day at freakin school. Ughhh....
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So, my mother and I are in a bit of a finacial pickle, though itapos;s not our fault (really). Iapos;ve applied to nearly every place in town for a job except fast food places and the Dollar Store these passed few months, and no oneapos;s hiring. Today, we were coming back from the bank (I opened up a savings account with my birthday money). Mom said that when I get home, I needed to call so-and-so and ask them if they needed a baby sitter. Normally, I wouldnapos;t have minded. However, when Mom has just spent the last ten minutes bitching at me, I donapos;t feel very socialble. When we get home, she demands that I talk to so-and-so and then walk across the street to the neighbors to see if they need a baby sitter, too. I say no, not tonight, Iapos;m too stressed now. It goes downhill from there. So, at this point my mother is screaming at me that I have to do whatever the fuck she says because sheapos;s the mother and that itapos;s her house I live it. I ask her to stop screaming at me so I can calm down and make the call (I really just want her to shut up). She refuses and says that I need to dry it up or sheapos;ll give me something to cry about. Sheapos;s screaming at me to dial the number that exact minute, and I canapos;t talk to someone on the damn phone when Iapos;m bawling my eyes out. I ask her repeatedly to stop yelling. She goes upstairs, gets her leather belt, and proceeds to beat me across the lower back with it. I say something like, "Just give me a second to calm down." She asks if I want my face hit next.

That was my breaking point. I say, "How long do you think the bruise will last?" So, she flies at me and punches me in the mouth. Instantly, my eyes dry up and I look at her straight in the face. She proceeds to lecture me again and adds, "Do I make myself clear?"

I say, "Crystal." She tells me to get out of the house.

I go over to the neighborapos;s house like she asked me to, because the woman that lives there is also a cop. The cars are there and the tvapos;s on, but no one ever answers the door.

When I come back home, she acts like it never happened. My friends are telling me to leave, but if I do itapos;ll just make it worse.

Can I charge her with assault?

I canapos;t stop crying because Iapos;ve just realized that I canapos;t trust my mother anymore.
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as i sit here... In my zone
listening to the number one clasic rock song..
over and over
i realize somethin...

i love the sound...

the sound that keeps you geussing..
the sound of his voice goes perfectly with it..
the sound that makes me appreciate music..
the sound that makes me appreciate classic rock..

the saxophone..
have you ever just sat there and listened to it?
how its so silent... Yet so powerful..
have you ever listened to it?
to realize the beauty of it?
it sooths me..
it calms me down..
it excites me..

then i remember the time.. That one time.. That i held one in my hands.. And played it.. And loved it.. And had fun while playin it.. I couldnapos;t believe it.. How could somthing that complex be SO much fun..
easy
natural talent helped.. The obsesion with the sound.. Having basic training on it, before i even knew it existed..
either way.. I love it.. It makes me...
happy..

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Well, i fucked up the last 2 days, big time, binge purge then binge without purge, gaining 2 lbs.stupid,stupid,stupid,stupid, FAT cow.

so,today i am working my ass off, to make sure what i did not purge last night.


I can not believe what i allowed myself to eat in the insanity of giving in.

Back to under 600 cals for the day, end of.By the start of next week i will have lost the 2 lbapos;s i gained, i will.



I had my college interview yesterday and i start my access to nursing course in january next year
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So this full moon has been a doozy for many. Apparently the most apos;powerfulapos; moon of the year. I think its affected me for the better which is nice. Iapos;ve been feeling melancholy and lame lately so this has been a nice push in the right direction.

Iapos;m seriously considering changing my career goal. I want to be passionate about nursing but Iapos;m just not feeling it anymore/ or ever. I think I was attracted to the nurturing/helpful/giving aspect of the job but I am not so sure it is the right field for me. Iapos;ve been mulling over my secret dream career that Iapos;ve only told a few about. Iapos;ve been hesitant to talk about it or even consider it happening because itapos;s been a pipe-dream of mine for a while. Lately it doesnapos;t seem so pipe-ish though, it may even be possible? Itapos;s been so nice to have the support of the people Iapos;ve confided in. I kind of expected to be scoffed at, I donapos;t know why. Loves my people.

If possible, Iapos;m more in love with Matt than ever. Cheese, I know. Weapos;ve been together over a year now and it just keeps getting better. Living with him is lovely. He understands my neurotic tendencies, he supports my crazy ideas, yeah yeah the list goes on. We talk about our future together and it just makes smile so big, I am insanely lucky.

I havenapos;t slept much the past few days, maybe that is what is bringing on the re-evaluation of life/ mushy talk.

Oh, and on another note. Fuck Harper. Stupid useless election.
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I dont like to write these entrys. I really dont think anyone is reading them.�� Please let me know that u are reading �� :0(���

� �I had a really great bday this year. On the night of my actual bday my bestest friend Candy too me out for a few drinks . We had a blast We always do. I met a really nice,super hottie too that nite.
� On thursday nite, my friend�Chad took me out to a club that�has bondage/SM shows.�It wasnapos;t my ass that got smacked that nite. Thank God
Friday nite I had a big party at the W hotel. About 15-20 of my bestest friends came out to play. We got so drunk silly.�You can check out all the pics�on my myspace page.
Ciao�
Jenna�XOXO

�
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From "The Game of Basketball in Girlsapos; Schools" The Illustrated Sporting News, c. 1905.

"These 5 (team members) are obliged to practice daily; to walk every afternoon; to drink milk or cocoa, and eat only toast for breakfast, and - greatest and most trying ordeal of all - are solemnly pledged to abjure the thing dearest to the schoolgirl palate. For under no circumstances may the varsity team eat fudge."

(taken from New York magazine)

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Dear Parents,� Happy October.� It has been a busy couple of weeks.� I am sure you are aware Report Cards will be coming home tomorrow.� An explanation of the standards used to evaluate your child are printed on the back.� This should help you understand the verbage on the report card.� (I have to check sometimes myself).� Many of the children received P for making progress on behavior areas.� This is the first nine weeks, and we will continue to work on behavior all year long.� Cobb County does not give teachers any fall release time to hold conferences.� If you feel you need a conference, I will be happy to schedule one.� However, I will have to hold any conference after school when I do not have any other meetings and conflicts.� We may also hold a phone conference, if you have questions.� Our only release time for conferences will be in January.

We have been having a lot of fun in class with lots of learning being accomplished.� I know I have totally confused everyone on the Reading Folder.� I am only sending them home on days they have Reading Homework.� Therefore, you may want to keep the calendat at home to record reading minutes until the end of the month.� I am sorry for all the confusion, but I think this will work better for all of us.� Thanks for all your understanding.� Many things are trial and error for me.

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After a few weeks looking at different Australian poets i have decided to take�a well deserved break from poetry. So this week, ive decided to focus my entry on absolutely anything that i want to talk about. Now at this time i really dont know what i want to talk about so iapos;m just going to hope that eventually my mind manages to focus on a topic long enough for me to write something interesting.

[Under Construction bah]

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